per aspera ad aspera

un-fortuna-tely.
un-fortuna-tely.
un-fortuna-tely.
un-fortuna-tely.
un-fortuna-tely.
re-gret-ta-bly.
tick-tick-tick-tock.

How annoying.

A feeling like stumbling at a funeral suddenly gains lift.
It turns into a passionate déjà vu.

One: Regret settles on the eyes of those who listen.
Two: Regret slips from the lips of the one speaking.
Three: Regret feels like poorly hidden bad breath.

The first line:

dear / to whom it may concern / good day / good morning / good evening / hello / hi / dear applicants / dear applicant / dear candidates and applicants / dear all involved / a blank without a name.

The second line:

We thank you / So many submissions / It was lovely to see such diversity.

The third line:

A shard of grief you trip over and stop reading.

The fourth line:

Please don’t take it personally / someone more qualified / sometimes it’s just a detail / we would like to encourage you to apply again.

Heart swirls in stomach.

bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-ba-rum-bum-bum-brum

Meaning has lost consciousness.

fall.
be tired.
be sad.
be angry.
question yourself.

doubt comes,
doubt comes,
doubt comes.

is one even allowed to?

one.
two.
three.
inhale.
exhale.

stand up again.
be sure you will be better.
be always better, always better, forever better.
make a new slide.
start a new run.
open a new life.
maybe?

Some strangers call it unknown reasons.

Some close ones call it a vicious cycle.

just to feel a little validated.
just to gather yourself, just a little.
just to have a small bit of certainty.

"And the world burns down again — and you?"

please-please-please-please
just a bit of praise.
be a good dog without a leash.

Until the next confirmation.

and no, don’t complain.
and no, don’t be so negative.
and no, be better because of it.
Get up and go.

The doors remain closed.

you cannot get through.

hold (on). hold (on). hold (on). hold (on). hold (on). hold (on).
are (through).

—----

Some say it’s important to be talented.
Some say it’s important to be technically skilled.
Some say, say, say—can they please just stop?

silence.

The best pig on the market has arrived.
a pig that can only look up.
a pig without a stamp on its cheek.
a pig full of tenderness and longing.
How can she fall asleep so carelessly?

and not that one thinks that.
No, one simply does.
Some castles are built only in the air.
who’s bringing stones?

be a goat,
goal-oriented, as described.
and if the door is closed,
break it with your forehead.

ah, it’s so wonderful.
maybe.
does anyone notice?

The sixth line:

A part of the accounting: We received X hundred applications.

The seventh line:

Part of the search for the guilty: It was not an easy decision for us.

some write in passive voice,
no one takes responsibility.
an eternal offering.

The excuses of a flexible victim.
look, it can even do a split!
such an adaptable one.

—I can do more,— it says.
—They didn’t understand,— it says.
—I didn’t want it anyway,— it says.
—I didn’t try hard enough,— it says.

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

—--------

oops!
a new message in the inbox.
it’s a no again.

All that remains is to shatter, smash, break apart, tear up, pull, and finally overthink.

“just be aggressive, without becoming aggressive.”

the hardest part is that
it’s annoying how slow everything moves.
only to end up with a finished product of meaningless suffering,
even though you had intended a comedy.

this project is a masochistic act.
this project is a masochistic act.
this project is a masochistic act.
this project is a masochistic act.

This project is a disgrace, a misfortune, a doubt, and a roller coaster
of everything and nothing.

—You're just trying to be angry while playing the victim again!

as long as you don’t fall into (a) (victim) role.

It’s frustrating that for everyone else it somehow seems to work out (together).
and what’s most appreciated is exactly what one essentially lacks.

an example:

X envies Z because Z can speak well.

Z replies to X: “Man, I’m a godless mermaid who gave up her underwater kingdom for a voice. So walking really fucking hurts, if you ask me.”

X responds: “I envy, I envy, I envy, I envy, I grazify.”

In the heads of Z and X you can observe the following lines:

“everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.
everything will be fine.”

not to be confused with being.

ARRRRRGHHHHHHHHH
ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH
ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

who can take this anymore?
damn passion for the beautiful!

—--------

In search of rotten time.
Confusion reigns after Greenwich.
Maybe it won’t work out.
Let’s be honest.

But that doesn’t matter right now.

A work on rejection is a work of repetition.
A work on rejection is a work of the series.
A work on rejection is a work of déjà vu.

Repeated event,
Repeated text,
Repeated unfortunately,
Repeated disappointment,
Repeated opportunity,
Repeated locked door,
closing slowly enough
to still give hope as it shuts.

And yes, emotions sometimes shift so quickly,
yet all that remains is grief on paper.
Forever and ever. Amen. What a pity.

And now the sun hits my face.
No — it shines directly into my eyes,
without asking why, how, or where to.

And now the thoughts ache in my head.
No — they hurt directly in the veins,
without asking if I ever wanted it this way.

in any case. in any case. in any case.

"Your desires are currently unreachable. Please leave a message after the tone."

one.two.three.four. five. six. seven.

how many people are there in the world
to whom you must prove your worth?
not should. must.
not may. but want to.

you’d say it’s nonsense.
on the corner they say it’s a short-lived thrill for a greedy mind.

tro-glo-dyte
they call him.

tro-glo-dyte walks through the meadows.
tro-glo-dyte has blood on his robe.
tro-glo-dyte grins like a thief.
tro-glo-dyte has just taken revenge.

task number 1:

how many of the rejecting senders must tro-glo-dyte kill to feel joy?
round the number, if you like.

task number 2:

how many seconds will the joy of the tro-glo-dyte last?
convert to minutes, hours, or, if possible, days.

task number 3:

if the tro-glo-dyte has turned all rejections into acceptances:
how long will it take in seconds before he seeks the next affirmation?
justify your answer.

task number 4:

Silence.

The tro-glo-dyte is coming.

—-------

My friend talks and talks and talks and won’t stop.
 I’m only searching for form now.

– Why do you submit your work?
 – To be noticed.
 – Aren’t there other ways?
 – Those aren’t for lazy people.
 – Are you lazy?
 – Sometimes. It swings from mania to procrastination and back again.
 – Isn’t that the same thing?

Well, today I feel divine.
 Well, today I’m mailing my artwork to the Tate Modern.
 Well, today I’m ashamed of the mistakes in my letter.
 Well, lo and behold, this morning it came back. How repulsive.
 Well, today I don’t care.
 Well, today there’s a space in between yes and no.

Can’t you just put on a show with your buddies?
 Can’t you just find the right people?
 Can’t you just use your existing networks?
 Can’t you just ask?

Oh yes, you can!

Well, today I feel hellish.
 Well, today I’m feeding my garbage bin with my art junk.
 Well, today I’m ashamed of the mistakes in my nerves.
 Well, lo and behold, this morning it came back. How lovely.
 Well, today I don’t care.
 Well, today there’s a space in between yes and no.

You can’t do anything.

There. For?